HARBINGER OF DOOM: Sideshow Sean

There is an enlightening site on the internet that goes by the clever moniker of "Dickipedia"... dedicated to some of the more prominent "dicks" among us... With his latest antics, Dallas Stars forward Sean Avery has certainly earned himself a welcome place there...

Tuesday morning, surrounded by assembled media and cameras, Avery found it reasonably necessary to make the following prepared statement, "I'm really happy to be back in Calgary, I love Canada, I just want to comment on how it's become like a common thing in the NHL for guys to fall in love with my sloppy seconds. I don't know what that's about, but enjoy the game tonight." He then walked out of the locker room.

Please understand that I abhor sexual exploitation such as this and include it only in the pursuit of proper journalistic ethics.

The coupling of athletes and actress/models is nothing new, as Avery was referring to Calgary Flames defenseman Dion Phaneuf, who is now dating Avery's ex-girlfriend "24" actress Elisha Cuthbert, as well as Jarret Stoll of the Los Angeles Kings, who is dating Rachel Hunter (another Avery conquest).

Immediately after delivering his "press briefing" Avery was suspended indefinitely by NHL commissioner Gary Bettman for "inappropriate public comments, not pertaining to the game."

Avery has earned himself quite the reputation throughout the league... In a 2007 poll of 283 NHL players, 66% said that Avery was the most hated guy in the game... Last spring during the Stanley Cup playoffs the NHL had to pass an emergency rule to prevent Avery from waving his hands and stick in front of New Jersey goaltender Martin Brodeur in an attempt to distract him and block his view. Though not illegal at the time, it most certainly wasn't very sportsmanlike.

Sean Avery getting intimate with Martin Brodeur...

He has been penalized and fined for illegally diving in vain attempts at drawing penalties, he's been accused of making racist remarks pertaining to blacks and French Canadian players, and he once challenged Anaheim Ducks announcer Brian Hayward to a fight...

While on the ice, Avery has directed some pretty disgusting insults towards his opponents, their girlfriends, daughters or mothers... but that sort of trash talk usually results in dismissive laughter or at worst, the parties involved drop the gloves and settle things like men... But for the life of me, I can not recall an occasion where a professional athlete gave a prepared statement to the press implying that his ex-girlfriends were slutty...

Perhaps Avery was trying to get under Phaneuf's skin, get him off his game...
But holding a media briefing in order to refer to your ex-girlfriend as "sloppy seconds"... well that is just plain crass...

And does he honestly think this will help him get future dates? As a woman, would you be concerned that if you dated Avery, someday you'd be referred to as "sloppy seconds?"

Pleasant... what a prince...

Apparently Avery never got past the idiot high school jock stage of emotional development... Avery revels in the fact that he is hated throughout the league... When he was with the Kings, he was particularly skilled at talking mucho shit in the locker room, and scuffling with his teammates during morning skates, all while driving his coaches batshit crazy by refusing to practice certain drills... While popular with the fans, he drove his teammates nuts... On more than one occasion I'd hear a public statement of support from one of the Kings' veterans, only to be told off the record that they were sick of his "Sideshow Bob" antics...

How do Avery's Dallas teammates feel about his latest foot in mouth incident? Team leader Mike Modano stated that Avery's remarks were "unacceptable" and added that it had been "a bit of work" to deal with Avery over the season. Goalie Marty Turco echoed Modano's sentiments by saying "the show continues"...

I've personally interviewed Avery on several occasions and always found him to be entertaining and quotable... more so than most NHL players, who tend to be either painfully polite (Canadian upbringing), linguistically challenged (Fins, Swedes, Czechs, and Slovaks) or just plain grumpy (the Russians)... Avery likes to think of himself as the sport's mouthpiece, and since there isn't another prominent player in the spotlight who is nearly as quotable, non-observers and casual fans get the impression that the entire NHL is populated by rude and violent goons.

This is hardly the reality however, as ice hockey is a sport where individualistic chest pounding is abhorred and vehemently discouraged... the likes of Terrell Owens or Barry Bonds would never be tolerated in the NHL... this isn't to say that hockey players are parish priests... but the game has always had a certain gentlemen's ethic that is missing from other major team sports...

I have to admit I enjoy watching Avery play... he is a feisty, diminutive player, who holds his own against players much larger and stronger... an interesting combination of skill and grit, and if used in the right situation, he could be a key member of a successful team... but the fact that he is a knucklehead and alienates everyone everywhere he plays can't be denied. He needs to grow up and understand that the key to his team's success is chemistry, not the cult of personality known as Sean Avery...

In closing, I must state that there is a little bit of irony in suspending Avery indefinitely for conduct detrimental to the league when on any given night there are gruesome incidents on the ice in which an opponent could be permanently maimed... Where is the shared outrage at watching someone bleed all over the ice, victimized by some cheap shot?

Or for another example, look to the NFL... Giants receiver Plaxico Burress shoots himself, a half-dozen player get busted for illegal steroids in one fell swoop and the NHL is upset about Avery's lashing out at an ex-girlfriend? Perhaps cooler heads should prevail... And perhaps Sean Avery finally needs to grow up and act like a man and stop being a dick.

My apologies to anyone who could care less about hockey and has yet read this all the way to the bottom...